Off Topic

[Chris]

The other one was getting a bit long so it's time for a new one.

What do you call  a virgin on a waterbed?

A cherry float.

[Chris]

A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV.

The husband sighs and says, "I'm disappointed! It was all over in four minutes."

The wife replies, "Good! Now you know how I feel."

[Chris]

To Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity  

1. Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Marijuana'
6. With a serious face Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.
7. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
8. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
9. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
10. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

[Chris]

Hypnotist Error


It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the
bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her
stuff.
As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, "Unlike most stage
hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into
a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... "
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into
a hundred pieces.
"Crap" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

[Chris]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my Husband that I would be home by midnight , "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down WAY too easy. Around 3:00 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the Cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals
12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight! He didn't seem mad at all. Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why? He said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh#@.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted. "

 

[Chris]

5 NUNS IN NYC

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July.

It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.

They, too, came fo r a co ld drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.

(scroll down)

[Chris]

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

[Chris]

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge tits and a nice arse who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
The End

[Chris]

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another
race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent..

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the
plains where it could run wild

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery
. .. even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a Nice Day!

 

[Chris]

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Heres what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubbasaid: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.'

The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'