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[Chris]

http://www.kodiefiles.nl/weener.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZUUF9rMedo
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[Chris]

An Argentinean psychologist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that
people with insufficient sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand
on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now...it's too late.

[Chris]

A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my
manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of
its head

The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.



A blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........
'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

 

[Chris]

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat,his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...

So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy! '

'And here I am.'

[Chris]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have ANY."

"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container .....
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(Are you ready for this one!?)
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"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."


 

[Chris]

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."

[Chris]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was
about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home
from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late..

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting
home?" asked John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us
where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie" said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am
sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I
never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy,
did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After
all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[Chris]

SHERIFF'S TEST

A man seeking to join a south Texas
Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your  qualifications all look good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that
you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk,
he says: "Take  this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth
dealers, six  Muslim extremists, and a  rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant.
"When can you start?"

[sedinik]

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire. "Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"
"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"
"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire. Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.
"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?"
"Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"
"You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" the farmer yells back.
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape. The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?"
"Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow."
"Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."

[Chris]

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station.

They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The alien repeated the greeting.

There was no response.

The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where t hey landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"