Off Topic

[Chris]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head strikes the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, when to her great fortune Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

[Chris]

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His  
friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can  
diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. "Simply put in a  
sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and  
tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10. "" Bill figured  
he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and  
went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample  
and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and  
various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a  
small slip of paper on which was printed: ""You have tennis elbow.  
Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in  
two weeks. ""

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new  
technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he  
began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together  
some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his  
wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.  
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the  
sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise  
and printed out the following message: ""Your tap water is too hard.  
Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your  
daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your  
wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And  
if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get  
better. "

[sedinik]

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"
To which he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"

[sedinik]

A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".

[sedinik]

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. ??The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems. ??Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?" ??
"Well, yes, I did once."
??"Well, how did she look?"
??"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!" ??
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. ??Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
??"She was watching us through the window."

[Chris]

My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."

I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor. I thought for a moment, then said "You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."

"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor" she insisted. 

"OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"

"In the lake!"

[Chris]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church..

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress
was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..

[sedinik]

A young man from up North was driving thru a rather lonely stretch of the South when he had car trouble. He flagged down a car and they called a tow truck that towed him and his car to the nearest town, which was nothing more than a bar and a guy with a shop in his garage. While he was waiting for his car to be fixed, he went into the local bar. As soon as he stepped into the bar, the whole place went quiet and every face in the place turned toward him with less than friendly expressions. The bartender spit at his feet and asked what he wanted to drink.
"I'll have a white wine spritzer" he said.
The bartender slammed down a beer in a dirty glass, and said, "Yer not from around here, are you, boy?"
"No", he said, "I'm from Milwaukee."
The bartender said, " "And what do you do in this here Milwaukee place?"
The man said, "I'm a taxidermist."
With a sneer, the bartender said, "And what does a 'tax-ee-der-meest' do in this here Milwaukee place, boy?"
He said, "Well, I mount dead animals."
With a big smile, the bartender slaps the bar and shouts, "It's OK, boys. He's one of us"

[sedinik]

A blonde had fallen on hard times and decided to take whatever steps were necessary to make ends meet. She decided to hide behind the big oak tree in the park and kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. When the moment was right she grabbed a child and pulled him behind the tree. She then pinned this note to the child’s jacket; “I have taken your child. If you want him back, put $50,000 in a brown paper bag and place it behind the big oak tree in the park by 7 am tomorrow. Signed, The Blonde.” Then she sent the child home with the note pinned to his jacket. The next morning the blonde went to the big oak tree and discovered a brown paper bag with $50,000 in it along with this note; “Here is your money. I can’t believe that one blonde would do this to another blonde.”

[Chris]

A young woman in Cheboygan Michigan was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Straits.

She went to the  Mackinaw Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the rail, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added , "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a  fresh start in Europe would give her new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe , and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said.

"This is the Mackinaw Island Ferry."