Off Topic

[Chris]

One day a fourth-grade  teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied, 'Okay...my father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.'

The  teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him,

'Is that really true about your father?'

'No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National
Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President last year, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.'

[Chris]

A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."

The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

"$101,237.65."

"$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?"

"First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles."

"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"

"No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"

[Chris]

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff .....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '

'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist

[sedinik]

A man in the Safeway Store in Texas tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some ass wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
'Canada , sir,' the boy replied.
‘Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'
'No kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'"

[sedinik]

Kristi was worried about her newest relationship, so she consulted a psychic. The psychic told her, "I have some bad news. Yout boyfriend will be brutally murdered within the next month. He will stabbed, shot and dragged behind a car. Then he will be set on fire. He will die a horrible death."
Kristi was taken aback and gasped, "Will I be convicted?"

[Chris]

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
 
Aha.....

[Chris]

A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"

She says,
"I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies,
"I won 12 bucks, here's $6 - now Fuck off!"

 

[Chris]

DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SOUTHERN GIRL

The first man married a woman from OHIO . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from MAINE. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from the South. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything -but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher..... but he still has some difficulty when he urinates.

 

[Chris]

History's top 10 for appropriate use of the F-word:


10th - "Scattered fucking showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those fucking Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so fucking look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where the fuck are we?" ˆ Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the fuck was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in the head!" - JFK,   1963

AND ...  drum roll please ..

The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word .....

"Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009

[Chris]

The Economy's so bad that if the bank returns your check marked Insufficient Funds, you call them & ask if they meant you or them.