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[sedinik]

best book titles ever

1. The Yellow River by I.P. Daily

2. The Numbers Game by Cal Q. Later

3. Under the Bleachers by Seymour Butts

4. Rusty Bed Springs by I.P. Freeley

5. Twenty yards to the Out House by Willie Makit and illustrated by Betty Wont

6. Spots on the Wall by Hugh Flung Poo

7. Falling Off a Cliff by Eileen Dover

8. The Complete Proctologist's Handbook by Ben Dover

9. The Joys of Drinking by Al Coholic

10. My Life with Igor by Frank N. Stein

11. Supporting Athletes by Jacques Strappe

12. Things That Itch by Mike Rotch

13. I Was Prepared by Justin Case

14. Green Spots on the Wall by Picken and Flicken

15. Small Treasures in the Toilet Bowl by I.P. Nickels

16. What Makes a Good Thief by Ian Yerhous

17. Waiting in Line for the Bathroom by Ivana Tinkle

18. Practical proctology by Bea Hind

19. The future of robotics by Cy Borg and Anne Droid

20. What to do if you're in a car accident by Rhea Ender

21. How things work by Wyatt Dunne

22. Breathing lessons by Hal E. Tosis

23. Why Should I Walk? by Iona Carr

[Chris]

How Fights Start

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


************ ********* ********* ********* ***



My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started.....


************ ********* ********* ********* ***



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my
order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...


************ ********* ********* ********* ***



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...


************ ********* ********* ********* ***



I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my
car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....


************ ********* ********* ********* **



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...


************ ********* ********* ********* ***



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place
expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...


************ ********* ********* ********* ***



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


************ ********* ********* ********* ***



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


************ ********* ********* ********* ***



A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

[Chris]

A Short Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

[Chris]

Always Ask, Never Assume

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.  He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

[Chris]

A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw a man driving a pick-up truck down the interstate, and a dog was hanging onto the tailgate for dear life!  
 
She said if the pick-up truck driver hadn't been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to stop him.
 
A few weeks later, her neighbor saw this truck at the local Bass Pro Shop.
  
The pick-up truck driver is a local TEXAS taxidermist with a great sense of humor!
Taxidermists are a twisted lot anyway!
And it is not a dog in the first place; it is a Coyote.
  
Can you imagine how many people tried to stop this guy?
  


 

[Chris]

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
__________________________________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
____________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is  sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY –

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER !

[sedinik]

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?"
Of course child," he said: "What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it," she explained. "Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear," he replied, "but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she said.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," he replied truthfully.
The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next

[sedinik]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head? so small?''
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog? that was sitting next to a stream.''
>
> ''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
>
> ''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''
> > ''Keep going!''
>
> I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a? beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
>
> She said, ''You now have three wishes.''
>
> I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
> > She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''
>
> ''What next?'' begged the bartender.
>
> I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this? stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
>
> Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''
>> I looked at her and replied, " how about a little head ".....

[Chris]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
 She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !

[sedinik]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PX3F2MAWg44
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