Off Topic

[sedinik]

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

[sedinik]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a Doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Walmart.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Walmart eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Walmart

[sedinik]

A man and his wife, moved back home to North Carolina, from Texas. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Texas Was $2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in North Carolina, they went to an insurance Agency, to see how much it would cost to insure the leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here In North Carolina to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Texas!
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well,
here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00

[Chris]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

[Chris]

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, ' Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!' Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?'

'Denise,' the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks, 'Wow! That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise. 'What's the boy's name?'

The doctor replies, 'Denephew.'

[Chris]

A man in his 40's goes in for a physical.

The doctor says "I have good news and I have bad news."

The man says, "Give me the bad news first."

Doc says, "There is a problem with your penis, you can only get a few more erections, and then you won't have any more for the rest of your life."

The man says, "What in the world is the good news?"

Doc says, "We know the number is exactly 25, so you can plan your use of them accordingly."

The man leaves and drives around for a couple hours pondering his situation, and how to confront his wife.

When he gets home he tells her,  "Honey, I have good news, and I have bad news."

She says, "Give me the good news."

He says, "I can only have 25 more erections, and then I can't have any more, ever."

She says, "We can work around that, we will just make a list and only use them when it is absolutely necessary to fulfill our desires, and make the most out of each one, what in the world is the bad news?"

He says, "I made a list, and you aren't on it.

[Chris]

You Know You Have Grown Up When:

-Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

-Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

-You keep more food than beer in the refrigerator.

-6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

-You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

-You watch the Weather Channel.

-Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

-You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

-Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.

-You're the one calling the police because those @#$%!# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

-Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

-You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

-Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

-You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

-Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

-You no longer take naps from noon till 6 pm!

-Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

-Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 am would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.

-If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for Ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

-A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.

-You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

-"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

-90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

-You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

-You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt. Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals and friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it and do the same.

[Chris]

What do you call an empty Budweiser bottle with 15 bumblebees trapped inside?


A redneck vibrator

[sedinik]

[sedinik]